we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
