he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
