Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
