for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
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I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
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I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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