How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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