i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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