Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
