I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
