i love accidental penises.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
