R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
