fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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