why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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