Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize