Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
