I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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