Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
