Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
