I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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