Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
