we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
