apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
