A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
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just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
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theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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