i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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