i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
