fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
