i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
