I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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