We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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