the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
