Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
