I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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