forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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