apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
