It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
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What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
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But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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