somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
