i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
