he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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