I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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