Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
