Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table