You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
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i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
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I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his