we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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