i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
She has the best kind of daddy issues
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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