Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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