My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
