Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
