I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
