Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
