I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
