You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
