So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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