you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
