captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
