You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
