I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
