But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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